624 posts tagged q and a
Q: I’m a soon to be junior in a national non-NPC sorority on campus. I have two littles and a grand little. I just took the newest little this year and there have been issues with my littles getting along. There was a lot of difficult drama regarding my second little’s joining our sisterhood and I had to spend a lot of time with her to help her through her pledge process. That meant I didn’t have a lot of time to spend with either my first little or grand-little.
Things have deteriorated between me and my first little so much since I took the second one and now she basically ignores me and treats me like I don’t exist. Girls in my sorority have accused me of playing favorites, but I have tried to reach out to my first little to spend family time together with her, my other little, and grand little and I’ve also tried for individual one on one time. But was told she couldn’t hang out and she hasn’t reached out to me at all to spend any time together. She said, “I won’t hang out Little #2 unless I see her at an event. I really don’t like her.” It breaks my heart that my second little isn’t liked by my first and it also really bothers me that my first little isn’t helping to make my second little feel welcomed, especially after she had such a rough transition into my sorority.
I’m also really tired of feeling like I’m such a bad big when I’ve tried to talk it out with her and I wrote heartfelt notes detailing how much I cared about her. I explained how the new little wouldn’t affect our relationship and that I want to be able to work together as a family. I know she’s probably got hurt feelings, and I’ve tried to rectify my mistakes and be fair to them both, but it’s really hard to pacify two people. But I just don’t want to loose the special relationship I have with my first little. Do you have any advice on what to do?
A: My oh my. Let’s look at everyone’s part in this drama to help sort things out…….
- YOU: You DID spend a lot of time and attention on Little #2 to the exclusion of Little #1. Your actions spoke louder than your words. This ticked off Little #1 the most. You have tried to make amends, but it may be too late.
- LITTLE #1: She never liked the new sister and the trouble surrounding her membership. She does not want to be close friends with Little #2. She will never care for her the way you do. She is a little jealous and feels left out - both seem accurate by the way you describe things.
- LITTLE #2: I see #2 as the source of much conflict. She had a big problem joining your sorority and that’s red flag to me. Then you swooped in like Florence Nightingale and worked overtime to mend her, at the expense of your other family loyalties. Also, I don’t read anything about Little #2 trying to be friendly and sweet to Little #1. The burden is all on you and your first Little. I think Little #2 has passively done some real damage and not taken any actions to mend fences. She too has responsibility in this situation.
I think you have done all the right things to smooth things over with Little #1. You have expressed your heartfelt feelings and apologized. Your message has been received loud and clear! You can’t force your Littles to be friends and you can’t force Little #1 to come around. Now is the time for some space and peace. Ease up and let the dust settle. All that needs to be said has been said. Everyone can now cool off.
In a triangle, someone feels less loved. It happens and there are consequences to every action. Be the bigger person and continue to be nice to all your family members. Don’t try to bring the two littles together. Under the circumstances, I would socialize with them separately and equally. If Little #1 continues to be stubborn, just smile kindly and reach out to her another time. In a perfect world she forgives and forgets. And Little #2 becomes problem free and lots of fun to be around.
But until that perfect day ~ just calmly do what’s right, extend the hand of sisterhood and be patient. If Little #1 still refuses to respond, you can sleep at night knowing you tried your best. That’s all anyone can do! xoxo
"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming to consequences of any misfortune." ~ William James