❀✿ super sweet spotlight ❀✿
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First I would look for a chapter which is not the biggest party sorority on campus! If you keep your eyes and ears open and you have a good sixth sense, you should be able to tell the active partiers from the more reserved sisterhoods. During rush you want to make a match in lifestyle and overall personality.
After that, you will find that even the quietest chapters like to have fun now and then. Almost everyone enjoys a few drinks on the weekend, and you will need to adapt to this for the rest of your life. Somehow you need to join the fun and drink non-alcoholic beverages while others enjoy beer and wine. After college you will need to socialize with your co-workers and not make them feel uncomfortable, so it’s wise to learn this skill early on.
Just attend the greek socials and drink 7-up or Coke. Problem solved. If you are holding a red solo cup, no one cares what’s in it. As long as you don’t look down on other greeks for enjoying themselves you won’t have any issues. Avoid being judgmental and volunteer to be the designated driver! Your sisters will love you for that.
The only way you would run in to trouble is if you stand at a party empty handed with a sour expression on your face. That would look stupid. So put a cup in your hand, start dancing and have as much fun as any other sorority girl. Many members don’t drink, or they don’t over do the alcohol. It’s perfectly Ok to not partake ~ as long as you don’t make it a problem. xoxo ;)
Q: I’m having lots of trouble lately in my sorority. I stay in my room all the time because no one asks me to hang out or invites me to go to dinner. Now I’m being sent to standards for being unsisterly. I don’t understand how they can’t see they’re just pushing me away instead of welcoming my company. I don’t feel like I’m unsisterly I just feel like I don’t have anyone on my side.
A: When you hit a rough patch in your sorority, retreating and hiding out only makes it worse. Even if you feel miserable inside, you need to socialize, attend meetings and hang out in at least a minimal way. Withdrawing to your room only accentuates the problem and now you are in bigger trouble. Running away and hiding your head in the sand is not a healthy solution to personal problems.
Take a moment to see things from your sister’s viewpoint. You have “rejected” them, you don’t participate and you seem angry or sullen all the time. When you’re not friendly, they stop asking you to socialize and so the terrible cycle continues! The more you act upset, the more your sisters avoid you. It’s a sad trap you’ve gotten yourself into. The visit to standards may be a blessing in disguise. You can talk to them about what has gone wrong. Somehow you have wandered off course and I hope they will help you get back on track. WIth time and effort, you can get past this stalemate!
These are some things I would suggest ~
- Start attending every all-chapter event, meeting and activity where sisters gather without needing a special invitation. First you show up at all the things which don’t involve personal partying or a private dinner. That puts you back in the “swing of things” without the pressure of being asked out. Focus in the bigger picture for awhile, instead of being personally offended.
- Target just one or two sisters to socialize with in a very simple way. Take a baby step towards uniting with your sisterhood again by asking just a few sisters to have lunch with you, or go for coffee together. Please don’t just sit and wait for an invite. Take the initiative with the nicest girls in your chapter. Show them how much you are interested in their lives!
- Have a heart to heart talk with your big/little, the sister you trust most, or an advisor to talk about what went wrong and how you can mend fences. Someone needs to break the cycle and if you seek help from a close friend it will help. Reach out for friendship counseling and let a sister/advisor help you bridge this gap.
- Put on a happy face and ACT as if you are Ok with your sorority. If you “fake it till you make it” the feelings will follow. Volunteer for the next fundraiser, join a new committee, help out around the sorority house. If you find a special project to sink your teeth into, it will draw you back into chapter life. Find something to embrace with extra enthusiasm. Put your passion into a greek venture and it will do you good on every level. The Panhellenic and Fraternities are also good options for taking on a new activity. Think project - not people for a while.
In general, you can’t rely on others to make you happy! You need to seek your own fun and friends ~ not wait for them to come to you. BE the type of girl that your sisters WANT to socialize with. Are you cheerful, outgoing and a blast to be around? If you are, then surely they will include you. If you don’t get enough invites, then you be the one to ask someone to dinner. Being passive and pouting only leads to more loneliness. Please chart your own course, let down your defenses and start moving towards bonding with your nicest sisters. You CAN turn this around! xoxo ;)
"You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." ~ Dale Carnegie
"Overcoming fear and worry can be accomplished by living a day at a time or even a moment at a time. Your worries will be cut down to nothing." ~ Robert Anthony
My Reluctant Rough-and-Tumble Recruitment Story:
Coming into college, I knew I did NOT want to join a sorority. In high school, I was very unpopular (only known for my grades) and a constant victim of bullying. All I knew of Greek life was from stereotypes, and I looked to the mean snobby girls in high school as prime examples of sorority women. I wanted no part of it. So I was more than a little irritated when my mom informed me she’d signed me up secretly to go through recruitment. She was not Greek (didn’t go to college) but thought it would be a good way for me to make friends. So I gritted my teeth and decided to bear with it.
I go to a small liberal arts school, not a big public university. So when I got to school my previous ideas of sorority life slowly grew smaller. At a pre-recruitment event I met a Delta Gamma who was not blond and skinny, but a petite plump redhead with glasses. She started a conversation with me, seeing that I was standing by myself, and told me she liked my outfit. I met two more DGs and we talked for an hour or so. For someone who’s not social at all, I loved it. I met more and more DGs at events and loved them more and more. I even had connections with a few through friends and my boyfriend.
I went through recruitment with DG in my mind. Pref night came, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry. I cried. The next day I got a bid from them and was ecstatic. Then the hate came. People from earlier in my life asking me why I had “sold out” and become a “fake.” Being someone who used to think that way, I understood where they come from. But they lost faith in me. I lost a lot of friends after recruitment. My mother was shocked I went with it. Even my boyfriend was a little unhappy. But I knew I had made the right choice.
A semester and a half later, I doubt myself from time to time. I very rarely go to events that aren’t mandatory. I have a private room in my sorority’s dorm hall because of health issues and I rarely leave it. I’m not really close with anyone; I don’t even see my big very often because she’s a partier and I’m not. My mother is also very adamant that I drop out because she didn’t know that sororities cost money. Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right choice in the aspect of sisterhood. I’ve felt every part of sorority life except the sisterhood part.
I’ve gotten so many opportunities to expand through being Greek; I run a nonprofit organization and I’m heavily involved in my school’s homecoming activities, as well as a number of clubs. My letters have gotten me into internship and employment opportunities. But I wonder if I’m just too different for Greek life? I’m not a “normal” sorority girl by any standards.
But I’m determined to shoot down that idea of “normal.” ~ that you have to be a partier and like to hang out with fraternities 24/7. Every sorority woman is highly unique, and I’m one of them. I want to make my chapter better on a university scale and add to the greatness it can achieve. I believe in it the way some others just roll their eyes and say “I’m in it for the friends.” I’m in it for something bigger; for change. I believe that any Greek woman (or man!) can help make their chapter better and bring about positive change. Though it’s a hard feat to achieve, it’s possible. If you love your organization, love it with your actions. I don’t know if sisterhood closeness will come to me, but if it does I’ll welcome it with open arms. I’m getting better through Delta Gamma; I want to give to it what it gave to me.
submitted by Greek Girl Guest Blogger: tsubomikiido
Q: So big little week is coming up soon, and I know that it’s customary for bigs to give their littles gifts… But do you think it would be weird if I made a little something for my big for reveal? Granted I won’t know who she is until then, but I feel like I’ll want to thank her for making big/little week awesome!
A: I am always a proponent of being thoughtful and generous. And I think a little token gift at reveal would be quite nice. Just don’t over do it with something splashy. You want to be mindful of those around you. If other littles are not giving gifts, it could make your fellow sisters feel uncomfortable. They may feel awkward and like they should have done the same. I would ask your new member director what is the preferred policy at your reveal.
Also keep in mind the tradition is that bigs spoil their littles with gifties like Santa Claus. You might want to just “go with the flow” at this one event. There will be plenty of other opportunities to gift crafts to your new big. Or, give her a little something in private, so it doesn’t look different in front of the entire chapter. Being courteous means always keeping other people’s feelings in mind when you do something special. You don’t want to appear as if you are one-upping the others, or in a big/little gifting competition. Just be sensitive to what the normal procedures are within your chapter. Happy reveal! xoxo ;)
Q: I honestly have run out of options and I don’t know what to do. My sorority is on interim suspension at my college. My national organization investigated us and cleared us. Now our school put us on suspension until they do an investigation. What we did was not bad, and it is in the past. We have not continued our old awful acts and habits. We changed as a sorority and now, I feel like we are getting punished for our past and not moving forward. I was wondering if you could give me some sort of hope that what my school is doing is just protocol?
A: I am so sorry to hear about your chapter troubles! THIS TOO SHALL PASS! If there was misbehavior in the past, the university has the obligation to investigate on it’s own. Even though your national organization has cleared your membership, the college doesn’t know if that’s totally legitimate. They need their own information to verify that everything is ok and your sisters are behaving properly. The university is legally responsible for what happens to their students on campus. In this day of crazy lawsuits, every institution needs to protect themselves carefully. And greeks are frequently under extra scrutiny, due to their reputation at some schools. Your administration is being responsible and cautious!
If your sisters are now on track, your suspension is just an extra inconvenience. All part of “paying the price” for whatever went wrong and another life lesson. Take this time to BOND as a sisterhood and learn from your mistakes. This should make a big impression on the members and keep them in line for many years to come. Once your sorority is back to full power, every girl should appreciate it ten times more and should guard your chapter reputation carefully in the future. By going through this ordeal together, you will hopefully grow closer. See this strife as a way to connect, mature and value what’s really most important in a sorority ~ each other. xoxo ;)
"Every choice carries a consequence. For better or worse, each choice is the unavoidable consequence of its predecessor. There are no exceptions." ~ Gary Ryan Blair
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are." ~ Marcus Aurelius
Q: I’m in a desperate need of advice! My big and I got in a fight at the beginning of this semester over a guy, and she said that she wanted to make our friendship work. Well 8 weeks later, here we are and nothing has changed. She ignores me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. She also has gotten my twin and gbig to turn on me. I have no family to run to and it’s killing me.
I really want to take a little in the fall but I don’t want to bring a little into a family that is full of drama. I am thinking about disassociating from my family but I’m not quite sure how to bring it up to my big. I’m not sure if I should start my own family, or join another one. I really just want a family that is going to be accepting of me. PLEASE HELP!
A: I am truly sorry to hear about all of this. Fighting over a guy is very emotional territory and girls tend to hold grudges for a VERY LONG TIME ~ as you are now experiencing. Your big said everything was Ok, but her actions prove otherwise. It’s a shame that she has brought your Gbig and Twin into this drama too. Yes, it’s a hot mess.
Before jumping ship from your family line, I strongly suggest that you call a meeting of your Big, Gbig and Twin and sit down together somewhere quiet. It’s your time to lay it all on the line and bring everyone together. Forget who was originally at fault. You need to grovel, apologize, cry, beg and make amends in whatever manner you need to. Leaving this family and burning bridges will only make things worse. Swallow your pride and open your mind to fixing this as soon as possible. Tell your sisters everything in your heart and express all of your fears for the future.
If you are genuinely sorry, you take responsibility for your wrong doing and you “come clean” in every way ~ sisters will usually forgive. There is something holding them back and I suspect that you have not owned up to your betrayal, romance, sex, flirting, or whatever you did with ‘the guy.’ There is still something broken in the mind of your Big. If you can get her to kiss and make up ~ the others will follow. To accomplish this, you are going to have to humble yourself and really lay your heart on the line. No barriers or self defenses. TELL your family what they mean to you and don’t let a stupid romantic mistake come between you!
After you have your ‘come-to-jesus’ family meeting, give it some time & space and see if everyone can patch things up in the next few months. You have plenty of time to mend things before worrying about adding a little next fall. Cooling off during the summer is also a good idea. Time heals all wounds. Stay in touch, always be kind and loving and see if a combination of expressing your true feelings and TIME will fix this. If by next fall things have not improved, THEN and only then, should you think about alternatives. One final 100% effort to stay bonded comes first. xoxo ;)
To the follower concerned about a big who is a senior:
I think I asked the same question almost word for word last spring when I found out my big was a Senior. I also thought that the size/intricacy of the gifts indicated how much she wanted me as a little, but I was so wrong. She was applying for jobs and finishing her final season as a varsity athlete!
Although our time on campus together was really short, I made the effort to visit her over the summer and she’s come back to campus twice since she graduated. Even though I was “alone” last semester, I was adopted by a number of other girls in the house, who were happy to take me in and hang out with me. I miss my big but I’ve rarely felt alone.
Now I’ve been lucky enough to get twins, partially because the girls assigning the pairings knew that it was just me. It may be tough, but just remember, it’ll only be one semester before you start your own family!
submitted by: hyblean
Q: I’ve gotten rejected from all 6 sororities on my campus during Formal Recruitment, and 2 again during informal, I really want to be in a sorority but I don’t know what I am doing wrong!
A: Sometimes a PNM and greek life just don’t match! There is nothing wrong with that. Even though I am a sorority fan in many ways, I also know it’s not for everyone. if the stars align in a way that doesn’t include sorority membership, after several earnest attempts, it might be time to move on. You CAN continue to rush, but there’s a limit to how many times you can tolerate “putting yourself out there.” Only you know how often you can muster up the will to participate in recruitment.
There is no way to know exactly what’s going wrong. But if the world/fate tells you something is not working, I would listen. To stay mentally healthy, a person needs to adapt to life circumstances and change course when needed. There are so many other interesting clubs and groups on every campus, I believe you should seek a new avenue for your talents! If I were in your shoes, I would counter my disappointment by fully embracing several other types of organizations. Consider joining a pre-professional club, a special interest group, a sports team, a hobby club, a political action committee, etc… The skies the limit for having fun, being involved and meeting new friends at school.
Don’t waste your talents and your positive energy on something that just may not be meant for you! You can still be friends with sorority girls, date fraternity guys and spend your time blossoming in other types of groups. It’s ok to be independent and still have a fantastic collegiate experience! xoxo ;)
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved." ~ W.J. Bryant
"Make big plans, but change your plans as time changes."~ Marchant
I just found out that the girl I want as my big isn't taking a little this semester, and I'm devastated. I feel like she's the only one I made a real connection with and now I'm worried that I'm not going to like the big that I do get. I want to love my big, but I don't want anyone else! :(
There cannot POSSIBLY be only one special girl in your entire chapter! All the rest are duds? I have never seen a chapter made up of only unworthy big candidates. Certainly from the group of potential big sisters, there are one or two who would be friendly, loving and fun to be around. I hope your sisterhood has recruited enough high quality members to have depth to their pool of bigs!
It is disappointing that your dream big is out of the running, but when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade! You just don’t know the other sisters yet. Unless you joined the wrong chapter, and the girls totally awful, you must open your heart and your mind to new possibilities. Pleeeease accept that there is more than one girl who can be a fabulous big sister, mentor and best buddy. Let the love of your sisterhood into your heart and live your creed by accepting more than one girl into your world. Time for a NEW adventure starting ASAP! xoxo ;)
"If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living." ~ Gail Sheehy
Q: I’m in the pledging process and my pledge class is having a hard time communicating. I feel like everything I’m saying is falling on deaf ears (I’m not annoying either, everyone is communicating in the same chat, I’m just ignored.) It’s honestly stressing me out because we all need to work together and I feel like some of us are doing more work than others. It’s like, why am I even here? Why am I even talking? I feel like I’m wasting my energy honestly.
A: My first suggestion is to CHANGE the style of your communication! If your class is trying to work out details, make plans and organize things in an online group chat ~ maybe you need to meet in person instead. Things are understood better if you can see a sister’s face and hear the tone of her voice. Reading the written word does not always get the point across when dealing with a large group. And your suggestions are not being “heard” in text form. Online reminders and updates are great, but for more in depth conversation and decision making your pledge class should find other methods of communicating. If things aren’t working ~ make a change!
Also, if there is no response to your suggestions, maybe your class does not agree with them. It’s possible that you are trying to force some ideas on your sisters which they are not responsive to. It’s hard to tell in a chat format, but it’s something to think about. You can’t make other members do things your way…
As for "some members doing more than others" ~ WELCOME to every club, sorority, committee, or group you will ever belong to! About 20% of the members do all the heavy lifting. You will find this to be true your entire life. So if that part of chapter life bothers you, please step back and don’t get so involved. If you can’t give of your time and talents without expecting total compliance or total participation ~ then just relax and be a regular member-at-large. Not everyone is cut out for leadership.
But if you do want to lead, then accept that leaders volunteer extra time, feel extra stress and work extra hard to manage their team. If you can give patiently and generously, you can help your pledge class. Yet if you always feel like throwing in the towel and stomping your feet when you don’t get your way ~ another chapter game plan would be better for your personality! Only you know where your comfort level is. I hope you find it soon, so you can be happy with your sisterhood and not build any resentments. xoxo ;)